How to Fight the Feeling That You're Just Not (Doing) Enough

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As I write this, I’m on the brink of tears. My condo looks like a Category 5 hurricane named Takeout just swept through it. I haven’t left my house to do anything meaningful in days. At this point, I can physically feel my to-do list, like one of those folkloric depictions of a “Night Hag” or the devil sitting on your chest as you slept (which we now all know is just sleep paralysis).

Time is running out for me to find a job and, try as I may, I can’t get past the feeling of that ticking clock. I have a new appreciation for Poe’s “The Tell Tale Heart” - he didn’t go crazy because of the constant ticking of his victim’s watch. He went crazy because of what it represented. Every second of every day that goes by where I feel like I haven’t made any progress in my hunt is overwhelming. I’m consumed by fear and have developed insomnia as a result. And, because I’m not sleeping, I’m far less productive throughout the day, regularly passing out for hours when I could be working on stuff. I passed out tonight and missed a team meeting with the organization I volunteer for… Hence, the lump in my throat.

BUT there’s one thing I promised myself: no matter how hard life gets, I will learn from it and find a way to help others through my learnings. It’s the main reason why I am where I am today (in general). So even though, at this point, I’m writing this as much for myself as for my readers, here are five steps for what to do when you find yourself thinking, “I’m not enough!”

1. Stop the negative self-talk

While funemployed, I’ve been working a lot with the unstoppable force that is Karlyn Percil. She’s taught me a lot about the effect language has on the human mind. Every time she’s caught me getting down on myself, apologizing for this or that, or even calling myself out for being “behind”, she’s stopped me cold. Through her, I learned the importance of re-wiring how you think about, speak to, and about yourself. So first thing’s first - stop attacking yourself! Every time you find yourself thinking some version of “I’m not worthy,” turn it around. One way she recommends doing this is by daily affirmations. You’d be amazed at how good you feel after waking up in the morning and asserting to yourself: "I AM worthy of my dreams and my desires." I was skeptical at first, but I realized that I was expending way too much energy feeling bad about myself. Once I started taking steps towards more self-care, I started feeling lighter.

Of course, on especially hard days (like today), this can be easier said than done. In that case, your actions matter just as much your words. Take care of yourself. Take a day to focus on you. Perform rituals and other actions that make you happy. Go for a massage, spend time with your dog, read a good book, etc. Another thing Karlyn recommends is writing a letter to yourself, forgiving yourself for what you perceive as your shortcomings and/or a script for how you will positively communicate with yourself going forward. For me? It helps to vent to friends and practice not just hearing, but listening to what they have to say about me. Actually listening to positive reinforcement (as opposed to brushing it off, like many of us - especially women - are prone to do) helps you remember all the reasons why you’re awesome and more effectively counter those pesky negative thoughts.

2. Take a minute (or a day) to re-align with yourself

What’s your “Why”? At my lowest, it’s important to ask myself, “What is all this for?” You might find that you’re exerting too much effort into people, things, or projects that don’t serve you. This could be out of guilt, or a number of other reasons but, at the end of the day, the only person you have anything to prove to is you -  remember that. A good friend of mine once stopped me dead in my tracks when he said, “You can spend a year focusing on a crappy relationship that does nothing for you and ten years later, you don’t even remember that relationship and it hasn’t moved you forward in any meaningful way. Or, you can expend the same amount of energy into your goals and ambitions for six months and still reap the benefits a decade from now.” I want to focus only on things that serve me and my goals. Hearing this helped me cut out everything (and everyone) that wasn’t serving me (and was, in fact, taking up way too much of my time, mental capacity, and emotional labour). My “Why” is now my North Star. It’s the reason why, in the midst of this low moment, I can open the Squarespace app and write this post.

So, ask yourself: what do you want out life? What matters to you, what doesn’t, and what can you start doing to meet your own needs?

3. Don’t be a martyr, reach out for help if you need it

One of my biggest problems is asking for help. I hate it. I recently was the sickest I’ve ever been in my life and the thought of not being able to properly take care of my dog was the only thing that pushed me to ask a kind neighbour to walk her for me. I felt deeply uncomfortable but it wasn’t just my comfort on the line. Your needs may be less physical but the point is, it’s OK. You’re loved ones want to see you through tough times - they really do! It’s important not to see yourself as a burden to them, because, if you think about it, they aren’t a burden to you (or at least I hope they aren’t).

Sometimes you don’t necessarily need a physical hand or a metaphorical shoulder to lean on but a partner. Don’t underestimate the power of an accountability partner! It’s why it was so helpful for my friends and I to book time to work together on job hunting after the layoff. It’s why Karlyn recommends checking in regularly with an accountability partner in her Success Planner. None of us are perfect, and sometimes we need a bit of a nudge in the right direction. Whether it’s someone to make sure you’re doing a basic act of self-care every day or someone to bounce ideas off of, it’s important to have a personal cheerleader of sorts because, after all, wouldn’t you gladly do the same for any of your loved ones?

4. All it takes is the first step

I’m writing this paragraph over a week after my initial breakdown. I took the first step and threw together the outline for this post and left it for another time. I didn’t necessarily think it was enough at the time but here’s the thing: it was a start. One of the hardest things to do sometimes is just… start.

At the Speaker Bootcamp, the point of my talk was the importance of reminding ourselves that we are (capable of) so much more than we give ourselves credit for. In my talk, I broke down my story (and tips for coming to this conclusion when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom) into three steps:

• Take stock of your reality. Take a look around at what you want to change;

• Prepare yourself. Whether that means envisioning what those changes look like or laying down the foundation and/or prep work for those changes to happen, and finally;

• Take action! Take one step… and another… and another until you’ve done the thing!

It sounds easier said than done but really, we all do this in a million little ways all the time. I did this after I missed that volunteer meeting (and had a good cry). I realized that feeling like I was nowhere near reaching my full potential wasn’t where I wanted to be (I took stock of my reality); I drafted this post, went to bed, and got ready for a fresh start, taking all of the tools I knew I wanted to layout in this post with me (I prepared myself for a change); and, finally, I got back out there, continued my job search, took time to re-align, and wrote this post (I did the thing!).

In your case, this might look like, reading this post, taking away a few key points, and making small changes each day 😉.

5. Step out of your environment

A major part of feeling like you’re not (doing) enough could have to do with feeling stagnant - both mentally and physically. The tips I’ve laid out above help reset your mind but it can be just as important to reset your environment as well. The day after my breakdown, I spent the morning cleaning my apartment and booked the lounge room in my building to work at all afternoon. While my place was now so clean it might as well have been a whole new condo, I realized that trying to achieve 100% of my work while laying in bed (to the detriment of my neck and shoulders), and while The Office blared in the background was just… ineffective.

This is important even if you aren’t trying to work. I started a couple new self-care rituals that specifically took me out of the house. The shake-up (or shivers… from the cold) proved to be just what I needed to start fresh. And it might just be what you need, too!

In the end…

I’ll end this with one last quote from Karlyn that really stuck with me (I promise this is not a sponsored blog post, I’m just really obsessed with her, y’all).

“You don’t need sweat equity to be worthy of the life you have now.”

-Karlyn Percil, CEO, Creator, and Neuro-Success Coach

One thing she made me realize (and I have since begun to notice in others) is that many of us feel as though if our life (or, at least, some aspects of it) isn’t hard enough, we don’t deserve a good one. That is patently untrue. Maybe work comes easily to you because you’re a genius. That doesn’t mean you should find another job that makes you miserable (more mentally stimulating, yes, but not emotionally laborious). You don’t need to self-flagellate in order to feel like you’re a meaningful contribution to the world. Putting yourself first is OK - after all, a happier you is a more productive you. So, the next time you’re feeling like you aren’t enough as a person or you aren’t doing enough in work or life, remember that. You are enough.

You’re enough.

-D.