Looking for Jobs When Jobs Aren't Looking for You
Cover of an infographic i stress-created after my nth rejection email.
I've had a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat that's been threatening to suffocate me for the past couple of days. In fact, I'm writing this at 3:42 am because I'm too upset to sleep.
First, a little backstory...
I've been working since I was 14 (I'm 28 - literally half my life). I can count on one hand the number of times I've been unemployed:
when I broke my ankle in my late teens;
when I moved to Toronto in my early 20s;
when I got laid off late last year, and;
most recently after quitting an unsuitable job (for me) in the interest of my mental health.
I've done everything; call centres, model scouting... heck, I've even sold knives door-to-door! I've worked in Fashion, Telecommunications, a little bit in Publishing, and now Tech.
Growing up as a "latchkey kid" with a single mom who was always working multiple jobs, I started out with the mindset that no role was beneath me. As I got older, I became more selective, of course, because I wanted to break the cycle and actually build a career I was passionate about, rather than working job after job with no rhyme or reason as long as it "paid the bills". To this day, money has never been my #1 motivator to get a job (even now that I live in an über expensive city where I could, quite literally, face homelessness any day now), but rather workplace culture, growth opportunities and, above all, being seen as not just a number but a fully realized and capable adult being who not only cares about her work but puts her all into whatever company she's employed with.
The last six months have been devastatingly hard. As a result, my mental health has been... not great. And right now, to be honest, I'm especially frustrated after having experienced yet another dehumanizing interview process. One where I left feeling like my time was wholly and utterly disrespected (but it's OK because they really really enjoyed meeting me, you guise!).
But beyond that anger, I'm feeling... disillusioned?
I know life isn't fair and the crap I've been experiencing isn't a) personal, nor is it b) necessarily a direct reflection of who I am as a person/candidate/employee (although that last part is increasingly hard to remind myself of).
But I can't help but wonder (*Carrie Bradshaw voice*) about the people on the other side of this process. I have a million questions (Is my luck really this bad? What am I doing wrong? Why can't these people see my worth? Am I actually delusional? Incompetent? Both?!) but, as is the norm when looking for a job, no real answers.
I think the majority of humans operate under the (perhaps false) hope that if you're nice and you do your best and you're able to genuinely impress others, things will just work out for you. I also believe it's normal to want to be "seen" or acknowledged in some way. But my experiences over the course of the past few months have left me with little faith that neither of these things are true or possible (at least for me) right now. And all I can do in the face of this realization is remind myself that no one owes me anything and move on.
Keep fighting, keep looking, and keep surviving because it's all I've ever known (waiting patiently for the day I can stop surviving and just live, btw). It sucks, but it's what needs to be done ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If you're still reading this...
I guess now is a good time to admit I don't really have a point to this post other than that being open and honest about my life experiences is the best way for me to cope. Sure, I could've kept my feelings to myself in my notes app but whenever I'm going through a particularly hard time, I can never help myself from thinking about everyone else going through the same thing (Do they have a support system? Could reading my words be helpful in some way?).
So. If you're also in the job hunting trenches with me, know this: I see you, I feel you, and I'm here if you need to talk. We'll get through this.
We have to.